Falling In Love: Is It Worth It?

Sometimes in the past, late at night, when it's too quiet to pretend, I worry if I believe in anything at all or at least in anything beautiful. I believed in change because it is permanent. I believed in pain because it is sometimes physical. I believe in anger because it can consume you. But I was not sure I can believe in either love or trust. I could not then understand these two things most people build their dreams on.

Love fails to be unconditional by that one condition itself. It ends when we fall out of it. Then, we claim it never was love because love shouldn't die. It is forever. But when it becomes a routine (like saying "I love you" for instance), love does die. Lastly, when love turns selfish, confusing and burdensome, it isn't beautiful anymore.

As for trust, it was self-explanatory until I doubted it. When curiosity gives way to suspicion, betrayal isn't far behind. For every failed judgment we ask ourselves: "Did I trust too little or too much?". It is difficult to shut up every question in favor of complete trust, only to realize too late something you could have known had you only asked. Where does love and trust start and end?

I have seen hundreds of people disappointed over unfulfilling relationships. I have seen passion turn into poison. I have grieved with them for the love they lost or never found. We seem to love so much, but now it's gone. We ask ourselves: "Why do I feel so lonely even if he's right beside me? Why can't out relationship be more than this?".

I think all people have at one point in their life experienced the painful realization of a love unrequited. Even with all the discouragement, even with all the well-intentioned advice from friends, falling in love is a no-going-back event. Unfortunately, time can't be reversed.

Now, falling in love in itself is doubted by people around you. They cannot feel the warmth that consumes you. They cannot ache with the turbulent and confusing anxiety and joy that grips you. They do not know that mental stress you experience trying to rationalize your emotions. They cannot believe that you do not want to be in love with a person who doesn't love you back. Oftentimes, people in love are painted as puppies following their loved ones at a distance and enjoying it. Oftentimes, people in love are misunderstood.

Who can enjoy running around with your heart on your sleeve? It's like trying to cross a tightrope and always falling into jagged cliffs because you are nervous, oh so nervous! Loving and loving without getting any response can be destructive to anyone. It is a thousand deaths every time. Its an "unmourned" for death because no one else can understand.

Love is not sustained by hope but by wishes. There's a difference. No matter how perverse, people suffering from unrequited love try to get out of it while secretly wishing that he'd give a sign to show it isn't hopeless. In desperation, unrequited lovers can even imagine signs if only to remain sane.

How can you love a brick wall? A dead end? A slavery without any sign of salvation? How foolish! How unreasonable! Unfortunately, how human too!

"Why won't he love me? What is wrong with me?", scattered thoughts echoing such pain are not exactly abnormal. Even the best-looking, best-hearted people can't always expect others to love them back. Why? People sometimes need to feel unloved by everyone so that they learn to love themselves.

There is nothing wrong with unrequited love. It happens all the time. I won't delude you into thinking that if he can't love you back he is not worth it. In fact, believe that he is. He is worth it all: the headaches, the anxiety, the embarassment, etc. He is worth it because, like you, he needs others loving him. This sounds funny but the world is round for a reason. We are all part of a circle. If you love him and he loves someone else, just think of whom you're hurting by loving him. It's a cycle. Whose love are you not returning?

I know we can love deeply, tenderly and lastingly. I have seen such love and I have felt such love myself. I learned that, aside from love and trust, a fulfilling relationship begins when two people make their time together their number one priority. If we hope to find love, we must first find time for loving. Many couples experienced a tragic moment together that taught them to value their time together. How we see our partners often depends on how we are than how they are. We are not audience but participant observers in each other's lives.

I used to ask myself where the love between my ex-boyfriend and I had gone. Maybe it's because we forgot that we are the ones who make it. Love was not out there. It was here between my ex and me. Before, I was him as a very sweet, caring, patient, and loyal person. But now it's different. It seemed like I'm the only one who does the loving. He really changed a lot. People really do change. Our hurtful and infantile arguments illustrate how we, instead of looking for love, may look for flaws. We spent the relationship struggling to change other's minds. But I realized it a little too late.

We must accept that there are many realities and learn to accept different points of view. My ex then became my eye-opener. He saw what I never could, and do the same for him. We made points of view between the two of us that's totally different from either one of us. He was there with me when it can be too cold or too warm. Both of us were restless, yearning for more than what we had, what we were. Everything was unbalanced and unpredictable. In almost imperfect setting, two not-so-perfect people shared something so very simple---a perfectly imperfect friendship---it's enough. At least he gave me something beautiful to believe in (love and trust).

I have felt so much pain during the relationship with my ex. It was hard to accept that I have loved someone who stopped loving me. Now, I couldn't help ask myself why do I no longer believe those two beautiful ideas (love and trust). Why can't I give myself a chance to be in love again? Maybe I'm just too scared. Or perhaps, maybe because I had been waiting for a perfect moment, a perfect someone, and a perfect me. maybe because I had always felt that beliefs ought to be perfect---ideal, so to speak ugh!

At the end of the day, when all is said and done, loving without being loved back is the best thing to do because feeling so much pain, I learn to heal; knowing so much fear, I learn to stand up to anything, carrying so much sadness, I learn to glorify in joy.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we're always learning, discovering and growing.

Lastly, this may be a cliché but there is someone who is right for you (and even for me), and even if he's not, he'd still be right because loving doesn't make sense until you accept it and make it real.

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, andthen it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part, because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness; it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day, it's not laying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No, that is just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love, itself, is what is left over when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting does it? But, it is. "

Love comes

love goes

But a certain feeling never lets me be

Somehow I know

Quite a part of me's unchanged

since you've been gone

Like a sturdy tree that's seen a thousand seasons

I still shed my leaves in winter

To grow them back in spring

To welcome life again

To welcome you

So goes my life

Still believing dreams of having you around

Too bad, memories

Feed the mind and not the heart where I want you to be

So I ask myself what you have left behind for me

To go on each day to live as ifI had you once again

What else is there that's real

But all the pain that I feel?

So let the pain remain forever in my heart

For every throb it brings is

One more moment spent with you

I'll let the pain bring on the rain

If that's the only way

If there's no other way to be with you again

Insomnia Attack

I cannot sleep. I guess I got used to not being able to sleep for 3 days straight! Hmm.. blame it to the loads of school work i had to do. Well while getting the hang of it, I guess Ill have you updated with whats new with me, hehe. Well, remember the problem I mentioned below? Well the same thing still. Yeah right, I remember saying goodbye..and yes saying I love you. How foolish of me I guess.. because guess what? He is also in love with someone else. But that doesn't matter now. I am trying my best to resist falling deeper into him.

Anyways, forget about it for the meantime heheheh.

Another year came to an end and a new one will be starting soon. I am thinking very hard about my New Year resolutions. I am trying my very best to make this New Year '05 resolutions different from the past years. When I say different I mean that this year has to be a serious one. Besides, I am not getting any younger. I have spent 21 years sulking and procastinating and I dont intend to spend another year like that.

Here's the list of the top three resolutions I have in mind:

1. Avoid procastinating and attitude problems.

I know I can't remove these in a snap yet i will try to resist the temptation to procastinate. I always put off things behind until everything piles up. I can't help but anticipate myself being pressured before doing things that has to be done. I am also such a moody person. One second I would be super jolly then the next you would find me very angry, hehe. I will try not to be a very unpredictable person. Hmmm I guess I have to practise being in other people's shoes.

2. Wake up ON TIME!

I have problems in waking up on time! An alarm clock can never wake me up. An ambulance can do, that's how heavy I sleep. Waaaah I need to work on this out!

and LASTLY...

3. Deepen my relationship with Him.

With so many things in hand, I often forget Him. The last person I should have never forgotten. I used to be a very devout Catholic but now it is as if I have gone too far from Him. I need to be back in His arms again because these are the moments that I know I need His presence more.


I decided to make my top three lists only because the more longer my list would be, the harder it would be for me to do each resolution.

Happy New year to all! God Bless!

hopeless romantic at xmas eve

My second blog! I am getting used to this, you know! And I do enjoy every minute pouring down my thoughts about anything that pops into my mind. Well, my day was terrific! Just came from an overnight swimming and drinking spree with my friends and guild mates. It’s really nice to spend good times with people you know would always be there for you to make you laugh and make things a whole lot easier to bear. But then there are times that I ask myself when do we put a line between friendship and love? When can we say that friendship has gone over the boundaries and that friend of ours became somebody we can never live without?

Hmmm.. two questions that led me to remember a story I read in an email about a girl who has fallen in love with her friend. She had been in a relationship and everything was going on smoothly between her and her boyfriend. Not until their few months together that she realized that she no longer finds happiness in their relationship. She broke up with him and found herself seeing her guy friend in a different view. She had been friends with this guy for more than a year and he often made her smile by his wacky antics and lively disposition in life. She started falling for him but she was too scared to admit it even to herself. Years passed and she never told anyone and she just swallowed the pain she felt every time she saw him with another girl. She never let go of the feeling until the time came that the guy was to be married. She happily attended the wedding and the reception without letting anyone see how she broke in tears every time she excused herself to the ladies room. The reception was held at the guy’s house and as she wandered down the hallway from the ladies room to get back to the reception hall, she saw an open room and decided to cry her heart out there in the empty room. As she entered, a necklace glimmered in the dark and caught her attention. It was the necklace that she had given to the guy on his 21st birthday! She came nearer the table and as she stared down the necklace, she saw many letters scattered on the table. Letters with her name on them. As she read each letter one by one, she broke down in tears… because those letters contained all the confessions of the guy of what he felt for her. The letters told so much about his unspoken love for her, that he was too scared to let her know what he really felt because he was too afraid to lose her, that friendship is the only way that could bring them closer everyday.

Yes it is a sad… even tragic story and I can’t help but be teary eyed whenever I remember it. You can call me cheesy or hopeless romantic, but it really struck me very hard. And it made me wish that same thing could happen to me. Yes I have loved a friend of mine for a long time already but then I am too scared to let him know it. I am too afraid to be rejected… I am too afraid that he might be offended… and I am too afraid to lose him forever.

And as I write this journal, just merely 8 hours before Christmas, I am saying goodbye to him. I will try to forget him and I will try to live at the present, to be just merely his friend nothing else. I will forget that I love you, I will try not to dream about you and I will not look at you at a different way anymore. From now on, you and I will be just friends and I guess that is the way it’ll gonna end.

This will be the last time I will say this and you will never hear it again, “I love you and Merry Christmas!”

Friend of Mine

I've known you for so long

You are a friend of mine,

But is this all we'd ever be?

I've loved you ever since

You are a friend of mine,

And babe is this all we ever could be?

You tell me things I'll never know,

I'll show you love you've never shown

And then again where you go

I'm always at your side.

You tell me 'bout the love you've had

I listen very eagerly

But deep inside you'll never see

This feeling of emptiness that makes me feel sad,

But then again, I'm glad

I've known you all my life,

You are a friend of mine,

I know this is how it's gonna be,

I've loved you then and I love you still

You're a friend of mine,

Now I know friends are all we ever could be

You tell me things I'll never know,

I'll show you love you've never shown

And then again where you go

I'm always at your side.

You tell me 'bout the love you've had

I listen very eagerly

But deep inside you'll never see

This feeling of emptiness that makes me feel sad,

But then again, then again,

Then again I'm glad

Weeeee! My First Blog!

This would be my very first blog! I just can't believe that I would be pouring out my thoughts on the net. Exciting it may seem though I'm kinda scared letting the whole world know what I have in mind. But then again who cares? Hmmm maybe I need this as an outlet.. my way of escaping the real world.. hehehe

I started the day too early. I slept around 5:30 in the morning and I woke up two hours after just to prepare myself to go to school and enroll ONE subject that I failed! Imagine that? I would be going to school for a term spending 1 1/2 hours every Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays for ONE subject only! I should have been preparing my resume now and attending interviews if I just passed that subject! But what's the use of complaining, isn't it? And I know that it is my fault. I got addicted to playing MMORPGs! Too addicted that I already forget to eat and sleep, too addicted that I often dream about it, too addicted that led me to much difficult consequences. Consequences that included my studies, my health and most especially my love life.

Corny it may seem but honestly, my addiction in playing those games led me to lose the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Yes, I lost him, just merely 22 days before Christmas. I lost him because I was too preoccupied leveling up and collecting jewels. I lost him because I was too busy trading for +7 items. I lost him because I was busy partying with my guildmates. Yes, I lost him... because from then on, nothing else mattered to me but to play all day long.

I have no regrets though because I know I have given my all in that relationship. I have loved him for more than two years. I have given up my friends and I have sacrificed a lot just to hold on to our relationship. For almost two years, I was blinded by all his negative traits. I never listened to anybody when they tell me that he is not the one for me. I just cant help but be sad because two years and nine months of relationship cannot be that easily forgotten. I just cant get him out of my system that easy because my world revolved around him all those years. Yes I still love him... but that love is not enough to bring us back together. Maybe not now... maybe tomorrow.. or maybe never. I just wish him goodluck. And I hope that he will be able to find the love that can fulfill everything I wasn't able to give him.

I'll end this blog with a song... hope I could just sing it heheh.. till next time! mwah mwah!

Tell me her name

I want to know

The way she looks

And where you go

I need to see her face

I need to understand

Why you and I came to an end

Tell me againI want to hear

Who broke my faith in all these years

Who lays with you at night

When I'm here all alone

Remembering when I was your own

I'll let you goI'll let you fly

Why do I keep on asking why

I'll let you go

Now that I found

A way to keep somehow

More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said

Show me the tears you never shed

Give me the touch

That one you promised to be mine

Or has it vanished for all time

I'll let you go

I'll let you fly

Why do I keep on asking why

I'll let you go

Now that I found

A way to keep somehow

More than a broken vow

I close my eyes

And dream of you and I

And then I realize

There's more to life than only bitterness and lies

I close my eyesI'd give away my soul

To hold you once again

And never let this promise end

I'll let you go

I'll let you fly

Why do I keep on asking why

I'll let you go

Now that I found

A way to keep somehow

More than a broken vow, mmm